The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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