so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
