im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
