My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I want her autograph on my taint
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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