I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
