I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
