I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
