So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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