I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
