Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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