I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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