On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
