Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
