FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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