um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
