A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
