Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
