My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
