I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
