there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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