I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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