Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
