After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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