he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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