Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
