you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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