I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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