I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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