Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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