i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
