broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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