Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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