Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So much Jack, so little girl.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
