Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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