i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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