nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
