Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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