I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
