You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
