Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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