Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
