I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
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I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize