That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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