Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
