I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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