hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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