Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
