guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
