Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
