I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
