im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
