Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
