He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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