woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule